first, dont get me wrong i support microsoft its just that i have a sense of humour http://microsoftjokes.blogspot.com (its my own blog)(mods sorry if linking 2 ur own site is not allowed)
heres a hoax email that was sent out ad all the poor noobs out there got worried XD this is hilarios The following is a hoax. The email is not from Symantec, nor was any such message ever sent from Symantec. It should be disregarded. Hoax message Hey. I just got this in the mail, from Symantec, so I thought I'd forward it along. It's a new virus that we should watch out for. PLEASE FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. Virus Update, 1/07/02 Symantec Virus Alert Center Hello Subscriber, As part of our ongoing effort to keep Symantec clients up to date on virus alerts, this e-mail is being sent to all Symantec subscribers. A new, deadly type of virus has been detected in the wild. You should not open any message entitled "LAUNCH NUCLEAR STRIKE NOW," as this message has been programmed to access NORAD computers in Colorado and launch a full-scale nuclear strike on Russia and the former Soviet states. Apparently, a disgruntled ex-Communist hacker has designed a pernicious vb-script that actually bypasses the U.S. arsenal's significant security system and takes command of missiles and bombers directly. By opening the e-mail, you may be causing Armageddon. Needless to say, Armageddon will wipe out your hard drive and damage your computer. Again, we warn you, PLEASE, DO NOT OPEN ANY E-MAIL ENTITLED "LAUNCH NUCLEAR STRIKE NOW." YOU MAY CAUSE A FULL-SCALE NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST. As a precaution, all U.S. nuclear missiles have been set to "Do Not Author!ize Launch Via E-mail" to prevent an accidental Armageddon. However, due to a Y2K bug, the possibility still exists that you may end life as we know it on this planet by opening the aforementioned e-mail. VIRUS NAME: ArmaGeddyLee, HappyOrMaybeNot00, OopsWrongButton00 TRANSMITTAL METHOD: vb-script attached to e-mail HAZARD: Extremely Super High AREA OF INFECTION: Detected in wild CHARACTERISTICS: Destroys life on earth via nuclear Armageddon Please forward this warning to everyone you can. Thank you for your attention to this matter, Sincerely, The Symantec Anti-Virus Team
lol i bet atleast 10% of the people who saw that would believe that Oh Yeah [bold] MORE PORN!![/bold]
Carefull they may sue you anyway i've updated and there are many more jokes now so u might like to visit again http://microsoftjokes.blogspot.com/ im planning 2 turn this blog into a proper site any ideas 4 a domain name??
did anybody see bill gates at the launch of Media Center... lol it was so funny it was unbelievable. the MCE program crashed.. every time he tried to use it, the guy who was talking to bill said "god who makes this stuff"
Microsoft Jokes Q: How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the problems. Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle... Q: How many Microsoft managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder. Q: How many Microsoft support technicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong ... have you tried the light switch? Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a faucet. Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world. Q: How many Microsoft developers does it take to change a light bulb? A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office ... Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, but he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user. Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new industry standard.
Windows error codes Recently the following undocumented error-codes were found. Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread via the internet: * WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger * WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet * WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file * WinErr: 004 Erronious error - Nothing is wrong * WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused * WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive * WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadeqaute money spent on hardware * WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments * WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened * WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full * WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB * WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More RAM needed. More! More! More! * WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside * WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside * WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened * WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers * WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside * WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside * WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ? * WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of. * WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore. * WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not! * WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry. * WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that. * WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadeqaute. * WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code. * WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. * WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers. * WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost. * WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automaticly be closed and the virus will be activated again. * WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue. * WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many erros encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded. * WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? * WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure. * WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes available
Microsoap Introduces Windex 95 (Click here for this page in a printer friendly format) Redmond, Washington -- In New York City, the Empire State Building was made up to look like an enormous hand-soap dispenser. In Washington D.C. President Clinton gave up his nickname of "Bubba" in order to be called "Bubble." The worldwide chain of "Octopus" carwashes was hired for an entire day just to give people free baths. All over the nation, hordes of eager bathers mobbed stores as the long-awaited release of one of the most highly anticipated cleaning products in history finally became reality. On August 29 at 12 midnight, the doors opened and convenience stores across the nation began to sell Microsoap "Windex 95." "I've never seen anything like it," said Bowatu Kempler of "Da Pope's Soaps (for the unwashed heathen in all of us)" in Jacksonville, Fl. "We had people camping outside the doors at 4 AM yesterday waiting for the doors to open. And you shoulda heard them..." "It's Windex 95!!!" shrieked a gleeful Elenora Minset as she snatched the last flat of glass cleaner from Mr. Kempler's shop. "It's great! We'll bathe in it. We'll put the baby to sleep in it. Hell, we'll even feed the cat with it! It's Windex 95, and I LOVE IT!!!" Said a spokesperson for Microsoap: "Windex 95 is special and unique because it has the ability to clean glass. It can also clean glass. Did we mention that it cleans glass? It's so much better than Windex. Because it cleans glass. Windex 95, that is. You need to upgrade now. The old stuff is blue. The new stuff is green. Oh yeah, and the new green stuff cleans glass. Windex maybe sorta cleans glass too, but you can use a Rag with Windex, whereas Windex 95 requires a Rag-486DX with 8 MB RAM and a lint-coprocessor. Windex 95 may not clean some types of glass as well as Windex, so we suggest you upgrade your hardware by buying the now industry-standard (as defined by Microsoap) circular windows and cubical drinking-glasses. We have a billion to advertise with that says you have to, so get with it!" Meanwhile, proponents of a competing product have been wearing snide buttons proclaiming "Windex 95 = Soap And Water 3000BC" This has failed to dampen the burgeoning enthusiasm for the most revolutionary cleaning product of all time. Sales also have not been hampered by the fact that each bottle of Windex 95 carries a mini-spycam in the cap which constantly transmits to the Microsoap Ministry of Information. Each bottle also comes paired with a "free" rock, causing concerns with pet rock stores all over the world. At a store called, "Hey, it's a rock, you can even do that with it!" Luther Lemner complained, "Everyone needs to clean their filthy, slimey, disgusting Windows, so they buy that Microsoap stuff. They get a `free' rock... But it's actually a lump of s od with a spy-camera in it. But then they think they have a rock, so they don't buy my fine rose quartz anymore. I'm going to go out of business. Everyone cleans their windows; this isn't fair." But it's too late to stay the flood; Windex 95 is the soapware occurence of the century. I for one predict that Microsoap is really going to clean up with this one.
heres something quite ironic some of the google ads on my blog send me to sites selling microsoft products anyway, i'm updating again so there'll be a lot more jokes in a few hours
If Restuarants Functioned Like Microsoft Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?! Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour. Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now. Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check. Patron: This is potato soup. Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet. Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. Waiter leaves. Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup! The check: Soup of the Day . ........... . . . $5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $2.50 Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $1.00
Last Promotion There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft. "Not you again," I said. "Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here." Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 98 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 98 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 98. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer. "No," I said. "You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 98 from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask." "Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a copy." "Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one." "You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I said. "Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs that run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no use for Windows 98." The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said. "Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE it?" "Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about," The Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy." "People without computers?" "Got 'em." "Amazonian Indians?" "We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes." "The Amish." "Check." "Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?" "We told them there were actually 98 very small windows in the box," the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. "The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you." "So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?" "If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely." "No." "Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer." He waved the box in front of me. "No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something." "It did." "Pardon?" "World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple." "So what happened?" "Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace." "Go away," I said. "I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail." "You have got to be kidding," I said. "Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the AMISH. The Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's embarassing. It's embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the product. It's embarassing to BILL." "Bill Gates does not care about me," I said. "He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of grey ash." "He wouldn't do that," I said, "He might hit that copy of Windows 98 by accident." "Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said, nervously. "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 98, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?" "Terrible. There's an active volcano there." "It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said. "Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows 98, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?" The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me. "'Windows 98....For Pets'?!?!?" "There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said. I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing
I like the CTRL / ALT / DEL picture. It's something I (and I'm sure most Windows users) can relate to.
