song I made

I was listing to that ultimate showdown song while i was bored and thought i could make a song from it so i did one about 360 and ps3 etc. Its no where near finished (writing) so id thought id post it any way.

Ol 360 was buzzing around, my bedroom like a loud greyhound when suddenly ps3 burst from the shade and hit 360 with a disc; blue-ray. And 360 got p*$$ed and began to spaz and didn’t expect to be blocked by MAC who proceded to open up an ipod; brand new, when Nintendo wii came out of the blue and it started beating up the 360 and they both got a$$kicked by the P-S-3. And before It made it back to the sony cave ps1 popped out of its grave and took a cr*ppy controller from out of its shack and kicked the sH^T out of the D-reamcast

 

Right... You're still a newbie here and you choose that one of your posts should be this? Intresting.... Lyrically speaking, it would have been nice if you'd posted your song line by line, rather than one big run on... But really I don't think it'd make much of a difference...

Anyway, the Ultimate Showdown has had its fifteen minutes of fame, just as Chuck Norris has had his 50 years of fame (though the occasional Chuck Norris joke still sqeezes its way into many of our lives).

Decent, but if it were me, I'd change the "started beating up the 360" to something that ends with more sylables. For example, in the original song, its Shaquiel O'Neal (I really don't even care if I spelt that wrong...) which as far as I can reason has 4 sylables. If we compare that with 360, it just doesn't fit. And your really drifted off rythm at "and kicked the sH^T out of the D-reamcast"...

But other than those things, I'll stick with the word "decent"... Don't know if you'll ever get it to sound fluid since you're discussing more or less random things, but hey, maybe some day... I'm also not sure if it would ever be successful on youtube or anywhere else and if it was, you could rest assured that that lemon guy who put together The Ultimate Showdown will be sueing you (just like Prince is sueing everyone, lol).

 

Like i said i was bored and when i started it i dint know what i was doing. So these thougts just pop into my head. You can change it as much as u like I just wanted to see what others thought of it thats all.

 

I think it has potential, just not as much since Ultimate Showdown has burned out.