Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife good-bye when they leave the house? Of these same men, 90% will kiss their house good-bye when their wife leaves. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"
Three guys, a Nebraskan, a Californian, and an Oregonian are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Nebraskan says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Nebraska." With a blink of the Genie's eye, "FOOM," the land in Nebraska was forever made fertile for farming. The Californian was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around California, so that no foreigners can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, "POOF" there was a huge wall around California. The Oregonian asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it is about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, and completely surrounds the state. Nothing can get in or out." The Oregonian says, "Fill it with water."
-A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside,he finds a young couple in bed.He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her,kisses her neck,then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there,the husband leans over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict.Look at his clothes!He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.If he wants sex,don't resist,don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.This guy is obviously very dangerous.If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.Be strong,honey."I love you" His wife responds: He wasn't kissing my neck.He was whispering in my ear.He told me that he's gay,and thinks you're cute,he asked if we had any Vaseline.I told him it was in the bathroom.Be strong honey. "I loveyou,too."
The mind of a six year old is wonderful. A true story. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said "Holy Shit! A talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
New member - thought I'd add my 2 cents: Mickey mouse and Minnie Mouse finally got married, but a couple of years later they ended up in divorce court. At the trial The Judge asked Mickey: "Mr. Mouse, am I correct to understand by your pretrial statement that you wish to divorce Mrs. Mouse because she acts silly? How can you Justify that sir?" Mickey replies: "No, your Honor, I didn't say she was acting silly, I said she was f**king Goofy!"
@72morgan that has been the funniest one i've read today~ i actually LOL. truely classic how a young child's mind works...
Replacement for screwup. REDNECK FAMILY TREE Many, many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be, This widow had a daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mom. And it surely makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She is my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!!
PROFESSIONS Little Johnny's teacher asked all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living. Little Mary got up and said, "My Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an architect." Little Michael got up and said, "My Dad is a doctor, and my Mom is a housewife." Little Johnny got up he said, "My Mommy is a substitute." Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, "You mean she is a prostitute." "No," said Johnny. "My aunt is a prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mommy substitutes."
Six passengers on a plane. 3 children, a priest, a lawyer and a doctor. The pilot radios to them that the plane is going to crash and that there are only 3 parachutes left. The doctor says "Save the children" The lawyer says "F**k the children" The priest says "Is there time for that?"
you know i've tried to target as many subjects as possible, so now i've hit a new low. Yes we are going for that one your kids hold so dearly.The BARBIE DOLL Barbie Dolls You Won't Get For Christmas Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials. Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken. Bite-the Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback. Blue-Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies holding down two jobs in order to make ends meet. Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out; comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also includes tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetuses at various stages of development and breast pump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right to do what she chooses with her own Barbie. Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge of Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Options include a tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie townhouse. Accessories include garb suitable for most Christian and eastern faiths. So why not already? Homegirl Barbie: A Truly fly Barbie in midriff-baring shirt and baggy jeans. complete with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't THINK so!", "Dang, get outta my face" and "you GO girl!" Teaches girls not to take shit from men and condescending White people. Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe Robotic Barbie: Hey kids! Experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!" Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket-O'-Fried-Chicken, tiny Entenmanns's walnut coffee ring, a brick of Sealtest Ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat" and, of course, an appetite.
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudging his faithful friend, said: "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes: "And what does that tell you ?" Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that god is great and that we are small. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes: "Watson, you stupid sh*t. Somebody stole our tent."
[bold]ASK AND IT IS GRANTED[/bold] A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes." Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..." The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" The second guy says, "No. I'm an bumhole." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?" The man said, "We had a fight and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month." The bartender said, "That should make you happy." The man sadly shook his head, "Not when the month is up today!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BAR TRANSLATIONS "No, really, I'm OK to drive." * I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with. "I'm not used to these darts." * I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed. "Lets go out to my car and get some cigarettes." (male to female) * You would look great face down in my lap. "You get this one, next round is on me." * We won't be here long enough to get another round. "I'll get this one, next one is on you." * Happy hour is about to end....now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop. "I haven't seen you around here for a long time." * You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends?? "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" * I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position. "Lets get out of here." * I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's helmet. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) * I'm easy. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) * I'm gay. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) * I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) * If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home? "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) * You are paying more attention to your friends than me. "I don't feel well, lets go home." (male) * I'm horny. "I've had like 10 beers already." * I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way. "Who's got the next round?" * I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention. "Excuse Me." (male to male) * Get the fusk out of the way. "Excuse Me." (male to female) * I am going to grope you now. "Excuse Me." (female to male) * Don't even think about groping me, just get the fusk out of the way. "Excuse Me." (female to female). * Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are. "I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning." * I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have been avoiding him since football season. "What do you have on tap?" * What's cheap? "Can I have a white Russian?" (male) * I'm really gay. "Can I have a white Russian?" (female) * I'm really easy. "You go ahead, I'll catch a cab." * I already lined up a ride home with your "ex". "That person looks really familiar." * Did I sleep with him/her? "Can I just get a glass of water?" (female) * I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this. "Can I just get a glass of water?" (male) * It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking ½ hour ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, it is the least you can do for me. "Do you have any Wild Turkey?" * I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning. "I don't have my ID on me." (female) * I'm 19. "I don't have my ID on me." (male) * I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a .4 after my last visit here. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Starkle, starkle, little twink, Who the hell are you I think. I'm not under what you call, The alcofluence of incohol. I'm just a little slort of sheep, I'm not drunk like thinkle peep . I don't know who is me yet, But the drunker I stand here the longer I get. So just give me one more fink to drill my cup, 'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
