thats ok scubabud, we will forgive you this time. this is for all you scrooges: [bold]YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE[/bold] YOU MIGHT BE A SCROOGE IF................... If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon -- you just might be a Scrooge If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away -- you just might be a Scrooge If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas -- you just might be a Scrooge If your favorite version of "A Christmas Carol" stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton -- you just might be a Scrooge If your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson -- you just might be a Scrooge If your favorite version of "The Nutcracker" stars Andrew Golata -- you just might be a Scrooge If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night -- you just might be a Scrooge If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts -- you just might be a Scrooge If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon - you just might be a Scrooge If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park - you just might be a Scrooge If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log - you just might be a Scrooge If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie -- you just might be a Scrooge If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat - you just might be a Scrooge If you use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets -- you just might be a scrooge If your favorite version of "Silent Night" is sung by OJ Simpson -- you just might be a Scrooge If your favorite version of "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas" is sung by the KKK choir - you just might be a RED NECKED Scrooge If your favorite pasttime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors' string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn charicatures with egg nog - you just might be a Scrooge If your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin - you just might be a Scrooge
so sue me i'm 6 months early: STAR TREK 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip. The phasers were hung in the armory securely, In hopes that no aliens would get up that early. The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks (Except for the few who were partying drunks); When out in the halls there arose such a racket, That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pant and jacket. Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun, Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!" The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din, Gave a luster of Hades to objects within. When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold, But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old. But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew, That we knew in a moment it had to be Q. His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came. Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name: "It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf and Jean-Luc! I t's Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke! To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall! Now float away! Float away! Float away all!" As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street, So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet, And up to the ceiling our bodies they flew, As the captain called out, "What the hell is this, Q?!" The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin, And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again. As we took in our plight and were looking around, The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground. Then Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe, Appeared once again, to continue the show. "That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!" And Riker said, Worf! Take aim at this dunce!" "I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q, "I just want to celebrate Christmas with you." As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack. He dumped out the contents and took a step back. "I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere. There's something delightful for everyone here." He sat on the floor and dug into his pile, And handed out gifts with his most charming smile: "For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain. Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain. For Worf I've some mints as his breath's not too great, And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date. For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus; For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss. Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space. But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker: "How much do you charge? Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." "$1,500? My God! No blow-job could be worth that. Not even a televangelist wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every penny of $1,500." The guy, still basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up! Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can hardly believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some puppy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces? The guy says, in awe, "My Lord, you own the whole city?" The hooker replies, "No. But I would if I had a puppy....."
[bold]Redneck Vasectomy[/bold] After having their 11th child, a Redneck couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb," "light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10." The Redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand! NOTE: This procedure works in Alabama, Tennessee, Louisiana, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, "North Carolina", Georgia and West Virginia.
cant remember doing this one , unless some smart ass wants to trek through the last 10 pages. [bold]25 Things Never To Say During Sex[/bold] 1) is it in? 2) that's it? 3) you've got to be kidding me. 4) (phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you? 5) do I have to pay for this? 6) do I have to call you tomorrow? 7) oh momma, momma! 8) oh daddy, daddy! 9) you look better in the dark. 10) this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend. 11) I thought that goes in the other hole.... 12) don't tell my husband/wife. 13) you have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it). 14) this sucks. 15) can you finish now? I have a meeting... 16) I hope you don't expect a raise for this... 17) I think you might get the job for this. 18) damn! is that all you know what to do. 19) did I tell you, I have herpes? 20) now we must get married. 21) hurry up, the games about to start. 22) I'm hungry. 23) I'm thirsty. 24) zzzzzzzzzzzz. 25) are you trying to be funny?
Two polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding..."I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not." His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"
THIS ONES FOR DRAWINGLS: Girlfriend 1.0 I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. GirlFriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions. The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented." A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fianc=E9e 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
AND HERES SOMETHING FOR THE REST OF EWES. Call it a bonus, hey auslander: [bold]Things I learned from children... If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Super glue is forever. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jello. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. [/bold]
that's why i invested in that ballistic-grade nylon and kevlar body armor. always have to be prepared.
