hear that one before, but it still cracks me up! love the sig you had on before the michale graves one, daniel...it's more appealing
I'm in the process of making a new Graves pictures banner Auslander, once it's done, it'll replace these temporary images and the WM3 banner is also getting a make over, but that'll take a while to complete.
Daniel_G, might have to knock the size down a bit as might be too big. check this link http://forums.afterdawn.com/thread_view.cfm/189144
Ah, positioned them wrong, sorry about that...i'll change 'em right away [edit] Better this way ? [/edit]
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?" "Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters." "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for 3 days." The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?" "Well miss, I just saw both of your garters." Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for 3 weeks." Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you are going?" she asks. To which Little Johnny replies, "Well Miss, from what I just saw, my school days are over."
something for all: THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE AGE DRINK 17 beer 25 beer 35 vodka 48 double vodka 66 Maalox SEDUCTION LINE 17 My parents are away for the weekend. 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35 My fiancee is away for the weekend. 48 My wife is away for the weekend.. 66 My second wife is dead. FAVORITE SPORT 17 sex 25 sex 35 sex 48 sex 66 napping DRUG 17 pot 25 coke 35 really good coke 48 power 66 coke, a limousine, the company jet DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 "tongue" 25 "breakfast" 35 "She didn't set back my therapy." 48 "I didn't have to meet her kids." 66 "Got home alive." FAVORITE FANTASY 17 getting to third 25 airplane sex 35 menage a trois 48 taking the company public 66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave HOUSE PET 17 roaches 25 stoned-out college roommate 35 Irish setter 48 children from his first marriage 66 Barbi WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 17 IDEAL DATE 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place" 35 "Just come over." 48 "Just come over and cook." 66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas. ----------------------------- THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE AGE DRINK 17 Wine Coolers 25 White wine 35 Red wine 48 Dom Perignon 66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES 17 Need to wash my hair 25 Need to wash and condition my hair 35 Need to color my hair 48 Need to have Francois color my hair 66 Need to have Francois color my wig FAVORITE SPORT 17 shopping 25 shopping 35 shopping 48 shopping 66 shopping DRUG 17 shopping 25 shopping 35 shopping 48 shopping 66 shopping DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 "Burger King" 25 "Free meal" 35 "A diamond" 48 "A bigger diamond" 66 "Home Alone" FAVORITE FANTASY 17 tall, dark and handsome 25 tall, dark and handsome with money 35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 48 a man with hair 66 a man HOUSE PET 17 Muffy the cat 25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat 35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat 48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat 66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 IDEAL DATE 17 He offers to pay 25 He pays 35 He cooks breakfast the next morning 48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66 He can chew breakfast -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rules for Women 1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. 2. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. 4. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. 5. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put the mall there. 6. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse. 7. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone. 8. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks. 9. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis. 10. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway. 11. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay. 12. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 13. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 14. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it. 15. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 16. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 17. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 18. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks. 19. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "oh all right, I'll stay the night." ************************************* "For me, penises are a hobby, like fishing: The small ones you throw back. The good-sized ones you take home for dinner, and The big ones you mount." (By Comic Carla Felicia) ****************************************** Sure Fire Ways to Know You're A Woman 1. You're a bitch. 2. When asked, Is something bothering you?, reply NO, then get pissed off when you are believed. 3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior. 4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening. 5. Whine. 6. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy. 7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you. 8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you. 9. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required gifts proving his love. 10. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress of your life. 11. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend must be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible. 12. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.
why would that be auslander, you gonna tell them or point them to this page from that all girl thread. I know lola and binkie7 and also samantha have a sense of humour, i 'm sure the pain will subside eventually..................... lol
THE EULOGY She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,"Lord, they're finally together." One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he meansher first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs." =========================================================================== They walk among us IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman, KS. ______________________________________________________ IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. ______________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge,how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened in Brimingham, Ala. _______________________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS ___________________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer in the headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments. _______________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less. ____________________________________________________ IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey,"I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton,Mississippi! *they walk among us ... and REPRODUCE
Another one courtesy of Waresoft..... Read the whole thing. This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious! STATE OF MICHIGAN Reply to: GRAND RAPIDS DISTRICT OFFICE STATE OFFICE BUILDING 6TH FLOOR 350 OTTAWA NW GRAND RAPIDS MI 49503-2341 JOHN ENGLER, Governor DEPARTMENT OF ENVIRONMENTAL QUALITY HOLLISTER BUILDING, PO BOX 30473, LANSING MI 48909-7973 INTERNET: http://www.deq.state.mi RUSSELL J. HARDING, Director December 17, 1997 CERTIFIED Mr. Ryan DeVries 2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339 Dear Mr. DeVries: SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files show that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris dams and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request, or any further unauthorized activity on the site, may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions. Sincerely, David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management Division Actual Reply: Dear Mr. Price: Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response. First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorize, their dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your dam request the beavers first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question to you is: are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or do you require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated. My first concern is - aren't the dam beavers entitled to dam legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said dam representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names. If you want the dam stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - contact the dam beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) - be sure you read them their dam Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers - be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this dam State - I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy, or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice! In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green, and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I to live and enjoy Spring Pond. So, as far as I and the beavers are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more dam elevated enforcement action now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem: bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office. Sincerely, Stephen L. Tvedten Rib ticklin' stuff Pulsar
New element discovered... A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named ³Governmentium.² Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four months to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium¹s mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypocritical quantity is referred to as ³Critical Morass.² You will know it when you see it. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes ³Administratium², an element which radiates just as much energy since it has half as many peons, but twice as many morons.
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, since it was pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
News anchor Dan Rather, the Reverend Jesse Jackson, Today Show personality Katie Couric and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The chief said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?" Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content." Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." So Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace." Katie Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Katie dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy." The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?" "Kick me in the ass," said the Marine. "What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine. So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives. As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?" "What!?" said the Marine, "And have all you liberal poopers call ME the aggressor!?"
