One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story that ends with a moral, so there's a lesson to be learned. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched. Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands. The teacher was completely shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. Well, Johnny replied, "Don't fight with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"
Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up. 'Hey Jack, you're a betting kinda man aren't ya?' 'Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind.' 'Well Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop.' Jack thought to himself, 'This guy must be a complete moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand I've ever made.' 'Okay Bob. you're on.' Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, 'Okay Bob, Let's see what you got.' Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. 'What are you smiling at jackass, you just lost $1,000.' 'Well Bob, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check.' 'Yeah, what about him.' 'Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only wouldn't you be mad, you would laugh hysterically about it.'
This ones for you Auslander.... a little fur showing A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girlfriend's birthday. As they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note, personal, but not too personal. Accompanied by the girlfriend's younger sister, he went to Dillards and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girlfriend got the panties. The guy sent the package to the girlfriend with the following note: I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night. All my love. P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Kinda funny... A nun, badly needing to use to the rest-room, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the rest-room?" The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the rest-room. After a few minutes she came back out and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand, why did they applaud for me just because I went to the rest-room?" "Well now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "would you like a drink?" "But I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, would you like that drink?"
Courtesy of Waresoft; Blonde in San Diego A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I have two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was shocked what he saw! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. " What the heck are you doing here?" he asked, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money leftover---so now we're going to Sea World". Who said blondes were dumb....? Pulsar
Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education.He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense........... Deputy says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket." Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
The Ranch Hand A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my pantyhose." He removed them gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
[bold]Cats in Physics[/bold] 1 - Law of Cat Inertia A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. 2 - Law of Cat Motion A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. 3 - Law of Cat Magnetism All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. 4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. 5 - Law of Cat Stretching A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. 6 - Law of Cat Sleeping All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat. 7 - Law of Cat Elongation A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it. 8 - Law of Cat Acceleration A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop. 9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. 10 - Law of Rug Configuration No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long. 11 - Law of Obedience Resistance A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something. 12 - First Law of Energy Conservation Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. 13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping. 14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. 15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light. 16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room. 17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. 18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter. 19 - Law of Milk Consumption A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can. 20 - Law of Furniture Replacement A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. 21 - Law of Cat Landing A cat will always land in the softest place possible. 22 - Law of Fluid Displacement A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed. 23 - Law of Cat Disinterest A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. 24 - Law of Pill Rejection Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. 25 - Law of Cat Composition A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
