This little boy with a speach impairment goes trick or treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He rings the doorbell at the first house. This woman answers the door. The little boy says "bick or beat". The woman replies "you must mean trick or treat". Little boy "yep". So she gives him some candy and he continues on to the next house. He again rings the doorbell. This nice little ole lady comes to the door. The boy again replies "bick or beat" The woman replies "you must mean trick or treat". little boy "yep". Lady asks "what are you supposed to be?" Boy replies "a birate". Lady replies "you must mean a pirate". Boy "yep". Lady asks "so if you're a pirate where are your buccaneers?" Boy replies pointing at his ears "right here lady. Where's your buckin eyes?"
I found this while messing around on Google, its a variation of a chain-mail, its one of those "Get rich quick" scams. Its about getting money by placing your name in the email. "Quickly take your two cents worth and send it to the top name on the list. Delete the top name and add your own to the bottom. Send the letter to as many US government sites as possible, including president@whitehouse.gov, dan.quayle@potatoe.gov and (of course) postmaster@usps.gov. By the miracle of government waste, in no time at all THOUSANDS of postal inspectors, FBI agents and bored meter maids will each be trying to offer you their two cents worth. They may not be polite, but remember that, as a criminal instead of a poor unemployed person, you now have RIGHTS. The results are simply amazing! I live in a Big House now. The government pays for all of my living expenses, which run into several TENS of THOUSANDS of dollars a year. EVERY YEAR! In fact, I'm so rich that I can afford to have a bunch of folks guarding the place around the clock. If I want a slice of bread or a cup of water, they bring it to me without my even having to lift a finger. And the nightlife here is incredible! Bars everywhere! I don't even have to pay a cent for any of it. Many would kill to live like I do now. Many *do* kill to live in a Big House like mine..." Sorry, I know it was a bit long.
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over. The police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde. She asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?' Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license", then handed it to the blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale." Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said. Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then YOU ask him!"
An engineer dies and goes to heaven. However, when St. Peter meets him at the gate he says, "Wait a second! You're in the wrong place! Beat it!" So, the engineers goes down to Hell, and gets settled in. He soon becomes dissatisfied with conditions there, and begins to make improvements. Before long, there's running water, flush toilets, escalators, and even air conditioning! The engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there. Send him up right away!" Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue!" "Oh, yeah?" the Devil replies. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?!"
A COLLEGE professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly. All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing." All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing." Punctuation....powerful tool.
They had been having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the same time, still deep in conversation. But Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Chas was very well endowed. "I say, that's a remarkable donger you have there old boy," Fred was prompted to remark. "Wasn't always that way," replied Chas, "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days," he said. "I got this done over in Harley Street, England, cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, well worth every cent." Fred was very envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and flew off to the Old Dart first thing. It was a good six months later before he ran into his old cobber once again and Fred could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result. "But Chas, I will tell you something else," said Fred. "You were diddled, I got mine for $500, not a thousand." Chas could hardly believe it. Same address on Harley Street, same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Fred if he could take a look. Once more they lined up at the porcelain, when Chas took a peek over the partition, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. "No wonder," he laughed. "That's my old one!"
Heres a name that was in my phonebook, it is REAL, I just blurred out the address and numbers. If you have any funny names in your phonebook, please post them
... here's another name I wouldn't want to have ... http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&ncid=1756&e=1&u=/050818/483/tok10208180727
