I also have a friend that his sister named her daughter shawnshawshawluta. No lie. I may have the spelling wrong but it is still bazaar. This was back in the early 80's. Why do you think they call it DOPE ? <grin>
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much to bear would he please let the doctor know. The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him. The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said "No." And the guy lived happily ever after and went flying a lot. THE END
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance: A dog, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, a Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations." Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left...... Now, look again..... It now says: "HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"
An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten. So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable. The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The note said, "I missed!"
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight and taste." After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
Disfellowship me from AD if you wish but I thought this hilarious! ----------> A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor, "What's that thing hanging between my husbands legs?" The doctor replies, "We call that the penis." The new bride then asks, "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?" The doctor replies, "We call that the head of the penis. The bride then asks, "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?" The doctor replies, "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"
An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him. The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "my treat." The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once again nodded that it was, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "on my bill." As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back to his legs, got up and danced a jig right out the door. Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door. Then Jesus walked up to the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me... I'm drawin' disability!"
An artist asked the Yolette, curator at the Community Art and History Museums, if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the Yolette replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor."
If someone calls you an animal, just remember the following: I work like a horse. I eat like a pig. I like to play chicken. They call me a dirty rat. You can get my goat. I can be as slippery as a snake. I get dog tired. I can be as quiet as a mouse. They say I'm as quick as a cat. I used to be as strong as an ox. I don't like hen parties. Please don't badger me. People try to buffalo me. Some people think I'm a gone goose. I'm as ugly as a toad. You should see the puss on me. I'm as gentle as a lamb. And I'm as happy as a lark. I drink like a fish. I'm as proud as a peacock. And I'm as hairy as a gorilla. I have an albatross around my neck. And there's a frog in my throat. I just got a charlie horse the other day. I don't like the goose step. I've got the memory of an elephant. But I'm no sitting duck. I can be a lone wolf. But I'm having a whale of a time. O' what animals we can be!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHOOSE YOUR DESIGNATED DRIVER WISELY A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What else?" The monkey motioned "Screwing." "They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer. The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked." The monkey shakes his head "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey.
A large gorilla was roaming through the jungle. He was extremely horny. Peering through the brush he saw a big old male lion sleeping on a knoll. Rushing forward he seized the lion and before the lion could respond the gorilla had his way with him. He pushed the lion away and went off running and laughing through the forest. Coming to his senses the lion took off after the gorilla. The gorilla spots a tent with nobody around, jumps inside, pulls on a pair of pants and a shirt and hat, and grabs a newspaper and begins reading. All of a sudden the lion bursts into the tent, and stops short. "Hey, have you seen a big gorilla?" he yells. "You mean the one who just fucked you in the ass?" responds the gorilla. Says the lion " You mean it's in the papers already?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (wrap your mind around this....) Theorem: a cat has nine tails. Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >BURP< In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat. Black bear scat is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear scat has little bells in it and smells like pepper. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer. He said, "My dog can do math calculations." His dog's name was T-Square and the engineer told his dog to get some paper and do calculations, which the dog did - no problem. The second man was an accountant. He said his dog was better. His dog, Slide Rule, was told to fetch a dozen cookes and divide them into three equal piles, which the dog did - no problem. The third man, a chemist, told his dog, Measure to get a quart of milk and pour 7ozs into a 10 oz glass. The dog did - no problem. All three agreed each dog was very smart. They turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?" The teamster's dog's name was Coffe-break. He said, "Show these boys what you can do." Coffee-break went over, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he hurt his back, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for workman's compensation and left for home on sick leave. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was talking to a man at a bar the other day who looked depressed. I asked him what was wrong, and he proceeded to tell me that he had found his wife in bed with his best friend. "What did you do?" I asked. "I beat the shit out of my old lady!" he said. "What did you do to your best friend?" I asked. "I drug his ass outside, and said BAD DOG, BAD DOG!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A zoo acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, a veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Burl, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Burl was rumored to possess ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might entice Burl to satisfy the female gorilla. They approached him with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for $500? Burl: I might be interested. Let me think it over. He entered the zoo administrators' office the following day. Burl: I accept your offer, but with 3 conditions: 1st, I don't want to have to kiss her. 2nd, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result. The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but inquired about the 3rd condition? Burl: Well, you've gotta give me another week to come up with the $500. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But, every once in a while, he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him: "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Howard. You're a veterinarian."
The Three Laws of Secure Computing 1) Don't buy a computer. 2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in. 3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1. There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says,"I chewed up all my masters shoes, and that's why I'm here". The next dog said,"I peed on my masters $1,000 rug". The next dog then comes in and say's,"My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!". "And that's why you're here?" asked the other dogs. "No, I'm getting my nails clipped."
... Here's another name for ya ... The Chairman of the World Anti-Doping Agency is Dick Pound ... ROFLMAO ... http://www.nsb.com/speakerbio.asp?i_speakerid=358
