its friday and i've got new material: for one and all enjoy There are these 3 kids on the ground and 3 army men in an airplane... The first man on the plane takes a bite out of an apple and says"This apple is bad.",and throws it out the window. The second man takes a bite out of an orange and says "This orange isn't ripe.", and throws it out the window. The third guy gets a grinade and pulls the pin----- "This is a dud.", and throws it out the window. On the ground 2 kids are crying and 1 kid is laughing. The kid that's laughing goes to the first kid thats crying and asks "Why are you cryin?" The crying kid says "An apple fell outta thin air and hit my head" The kid that's laughing says OK and asks the second crying kid "Why are you cryin? He says "An orange fell outa thin air and hit me on my head." Both kids that are crying asks the kid thats laughing "Why you LAUGHING?" HE says "I just farted and that building blew up. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. She thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it there. She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!". The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school." The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One night a father overheard his unusually psychic son saying his prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again. "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
you people are dumber than a bag of hammers <grin> all you had to do to get me to stop was simple... yea regor, she bent down to pick up the soap. Jolly that! or simply: yup, it was the soap alrighty, then... and the dogs nails turned out great! or she bent down to pick up a: fish bone snail shell newspaper gum wrapper china doll cigarette butt popcicle stick used dental floss a baby's arm holding an apple (Tubes, 1975 rock genre, see below) but noooooooo.... ....you chose to ignore me.... I still say it was the soap! ++++++++ Tubes single 1975 - What Do You Want From Life? ++++++++ What do you want from life? To kidnap an heiress or threaten her with a knife? What do you want from life? To get cable TV and watch it every night? There you sit, a lump in your chair. Where do you sleep, and what do you wear when you're sleeping? What do you want from life? An Indian guru to show you the inner light? What do you want from life? A meaningless love affair with a girl that you met tonight? How can you tell when you're doin' alright? Does your bank account swell while you're dreaming at night? How do know when you're really in love? Do violins play when you're touching the one that you're loving? What do you want from life? Someone to love and somebody that you can trust? What do you want from life? To try and be happy while you do the nasty things you must? Well, you can't have that. But if you're an American citizen you are entitled to: A heated kidney shaped pool, a microwave oven - don't watch the food cook, a Dyna-Gym - I'll personally demonstrate it in the privacy of your own home, a kingsize Titanic Unsinkable Molly Brown waterbed with polybendum, a foolproof plan and an airtight alibi, real simulated Indian jewelry, a Gucci shoetree, a year's supply of antibiotics, a personally autographed picture of Randy Mantooth and Bob Dylan's new unlisted phone number. A beautifully restored 3rd Reich swizzle stick, Rosemary's baby, a dream date in kneepads with Paul Williams. A new Matador, a new mastodon, a Maverick, a Mustang, a Montego, a Mercury Montclair, a Mark IV, a meteor, a Mercedes, an MG, or a Malibu. A Mort Moriarty, a Maserati, a Mac truck, a Mazda, a new Monza, or a moped. A Winnebago - hell, a herd of Winnebago's we're giving 'em away. Or how about a McCulloch chainsaw, a Las Vegas wedding, a Mexican divorce, a solid gold Kama Sutra coffee pot, or a baby's arm holding an apple?
well we thought you wanted to carry on a bit so we let you.But your right it probably was the soap dish
This is gross and goes badly offtopic, but at yesterday night I scared shit out of 2 rabbits eating on my background by farting on the balcony.
A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off. A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?" The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle box!"
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness! "You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my! "WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! "Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? "Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What's wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers. The woman says, " Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don't have a maid" , said the woman. The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house. The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?" The maid replied, "he is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife." The woman is fuming. she says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?" The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with." The maid puts the phone down, the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?" The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here." A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 555-4821?"
The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with, "Is this William Wagenhoss?" This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?" The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew William personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood." I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case. I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I proceeded to tell him we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away. My wife asked me as I returned to our table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
yes its friday freaky i actually got this one in early or on time: Tongue-Twister A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk. Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers? If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked? Betty Botter had some butter, But," she said, "this butter's bitter. If I bake this bitter butter, it would make my batter bitter. But a bit of better butter-- that would make my batter better." So she bought a bit of butter, better than her bitter butter, and she baked it in her batter, and the batter was not bitter. So it was better Betty Botter bought a bit of better butter. Six thick thistle sticks. Six thick thistles stick. A big black bug bit a big black bear, made the big black bear bleed blood. The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick. Pope Sixtus VI's six texts. She sells sea shells by the sea shore. The shells she sells are surely seashells. So if she sells shells on the seashore, I'm sure she sells seashore shells. Surely Sylvia swims!" shrieked Sammy, surprised. Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink." Shy Shelly says she shall sew sheets. Sam's shop stocks short spotted socks. A flea and a fly flew up in a flue. Said the flea, "Let us fly!" Said the fly, "Let us flee!" So they flew through a flaw in the flue. Which wristwatches are Swiss wristwatches? Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better. A bitter biting bittern Bit a better brother bittern, And the bitter better bittern Bit the bitter biter back. And the bitter bittern, bitten, By the better bitten bittern, Said "I'm a bitter biter bit, alack!" Mr. See owned a saw. And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw! The boot black bought the black boot back. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as a woodchuck would if a woodchuck could chuck wood. We surely shall see the sun shine soon. Which witch wished which wicked wish? Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn't sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed. If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews? Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup. Six sharp smart sharks. What a shame such a shapely sash should such shabby stitches show. Sure the ship's shipshape, sir. Don't pamper damp scamp tramps that camp under ramp lamps. I'm not a pheasant plucker I'm a pheasant plucker's son I'm only plucking pheasants Till a pheasant plucker comes.
bee billy oaten doaten bee bop bo ditton dotten bee bop bo ditton dotten ditten dotten shoo that's all I have to say about that!
methoughts that was pretty funny...wrong species, but i'm the guy in the bottom, right hand corner XD
