Women stop in cemetery to pee -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back,just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..." The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you."
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00." "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'." "Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again." "More'n likely be some wild sex, too," "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."
No Sex Since 1955 A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,"You think so? It's only 2130 now."
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello." "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's." "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
again i can relate. not only must that insurance company be in business with mine (or one and the same), but that old man is my gramps! keep'em comin', bruce, or i'll have to read the local paper to find the same stuff XD
I'm not certain now... Auslander has refrained (or is it restrained?) from response to my "half cow" witicizm. My my my aren't we sensitive? Gosh!
Witnessing the miracle -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!" Call in sick joke -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bob calls in to his job: "Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work." The boss says: "You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that." 2 hours later Bob calls: "Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house."
a yuk yuk yuk... you guys think you are so smart, auslander and ddp.... this is what your coydog would look like after i got hold of him.... i'd make mince meat out of that coydog! You two don't take me serious, eh? well they wrote a ballad 'bout me, they did: I am half cow, hear me roar I'm just too big to ignore And I know too much to go back an' pretend 'cause I've heard it all before And I've been down there on the floor No one's ever gonna keep me down again CHORUS Oh yes I am wise But it's wisdom born of pain Yes, I've paid the price But look how much I gained If I have to, I can do anything I am strong (strong) I am invincible (invincible) I am half cow You can bend but never break me 'cause it only serves to make me More determined to achieve my final goal And I come back even stronger Not a novice any longer 'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul CHORUS I am half cow watch me grow See me standing hoof to hoof As I spread my lovin' hooves across the land But I'm still an embryo With a long long way to go Until I make auslander and ddp understand Oh yes I am wise But it's wisdom born of pain Yes, I've paid the price But look how much I gained If I have to I can face anything I am strong (strong) I am invincible (invincible) I am half cow Oh, I am half cow I am invincible I am strong FADE I am half cow I am invincible I am strong I am half cow
isn't that george, the world's ugliest dog that just died this past week? do you know what a coydog is & what they do to sheep??
i didn't mean to kill him, really! i merely wanted to make mince meat out of that coydog! and no... i am not into sheep. i am half cow, remember? <grin>
sorry if this offends any one except you auslander /regor /ddp and creaky. Birds and Bees -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.” The Foul Mouthed Parrot -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior". Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"
whatever happened to baabaa? andy, you're great. the Birds and Bees one has been posted several times now, but the other hasn't
