Grilling Remarks -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!" She ignores the remark. Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken." @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Lifetime Savings -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!" The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$4 God's Gifts -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It’s a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty." Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It’d be so great. When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It’d be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please." Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn’t mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while. "Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What’s left here?" "Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."
A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer loaned the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer. "It had two saggy t@ts, a beard, a hard head and it smelled like s@@t!" said the boy. "Oh, s@@t!" said the farmer. "You've shot my wife!"
THE SCUBA ACCIDENT The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife." "Well, tell me!" the man said. The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay." "Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?" "Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her." "If that's the good news than what's the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded. The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
3 deer hunters Three men go deer hunting, two are smart, and one is dumb. The first smart one goes out and 2 hours later comes back with a deer. The other two ask how he did it, and he said, "I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, I found the deer, I killed the deer." So the other smart one goes out, and 1 hour later he comes back with a deer. They ask how he did it. He said " I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, I found the deer, I killed the deer." So the dumb hunter goes out, and 2 hours later, he comes back beaten and bruised. The other 2 asked what happened. He said "I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, I got hit by a train."
The Irish Love Their Beer An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU B@@TARD!!!"
Irish Bank Robbery Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which appeared in the Dublin Times (metropolitan edition, page 2A) on 2 March 1999: Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat," The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.
You might be a redneck if... You've ever hitchhiked naked, You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer. You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle. Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine." The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot. The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth. Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse. Taking a dip has nothing to do with water. There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog. You take a fishing pole to Sea World. The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course. You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space. Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport. The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business. You list your parole officer as a reference. There are more fish on your wall than pictures. Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
You might be a redneck if... You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat. An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall. You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth. You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips. Your secret family recipe is illegal. Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve. Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard. Your coat-of-arms features kudzu. Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown. You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs. Your best ashtray is a turtle shell. Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A. You think cur is a breed of dog. People hear your car long before they see it. Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA. Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids. Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels. Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor. Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You might be a redneck if... You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!" You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?" Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..." You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood. You bring your dog to work with you. Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold. You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun. You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape. Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather. Your masseuse uses lard. Your wife's best shoes have steel toes. You use your fishing license as a form of I.D. On stag night, you take a real deer. You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house. Your back porch is bigger than your house. There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
You might be a redneck if... You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow. You mow your lawn and find a car. You can spit without opening your mouth. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight. You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest". You might be a redneck if... You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind". You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?) You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it." You might be a redneck if... Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road". Your dog and your wallet are both on chains. Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. You fainted when you met Slim Whitman. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people". You might be a redneck if... Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included. People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. You've ever been too drunk to fish. You've ever bought a used cap. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
A man walks up to the grocery checkout line and starts putting his grocery itmes on the counter. While waiting in line he looks at the lady standing in front of him and then glances to the counter to check what items she is purchasing - milk, eggs, whole wheat bread, margarine, apples, pears, Cosmopolitan, hair spray, body lotion and eye liner. He then says to the lady "single, right?" She hesitates for a moment and then reluctantly replies "yes; you determined that from looking at the grocery items I was buying?" The man says to the lady "no, you're ugly!"
As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy . 11. A blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car , runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, " Hi , my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load ! " The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light , the girl catches up again . She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again , the trucker lowers the window . As if they've never spoken , the blonde says brightly , " Hi , my name is Heather , and you are losing some of your load ! " Shaking his head , the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street . At the third red light , the same thing happens again . All out of breath , the blonde gets out of her car , runs up , knocks on the truck door The trucker lowers the window . Again she says , " Hi , my name is Heather , and you are losing some of your load ! " When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light . When he stops this time , he hurriedly gets out of the truck , and runs back to the blonde . He knocks on her window , and as she lowers it , he says , " Hi , my name is Kevin , it's winter in CANADA , and I'm driving the fusking SALT TRUCK ! !
THE HILLBILLIES WIVES Three hillbillies are sitting on their porch in Arkansas. One says, "Boy is my wife dumb. She's so stupid that she went shoppin' today and bought an air-conditioner. Hell, we ain't got electricity!" The others laugh. Then the other guy says, "Ah that ain't nothin', my wife's dumber than that! She went shoppin' yesterday and had a washin' machine delivered." They all laughed and laughed. He went on, "Why nobody around here has plumbing!" The third hillbilly said, "Well, I reckon my womans got to be the dumbest. Just this morning I was looking in her purse for some change and found six rubbers. Hell, she ain't got no dick!"
THE MARATHON Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!" Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there." Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running." Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home." Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."
A True Senior Moment An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes," the man said, and then he turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Jewish Definitions--- Putz: The male reproductive member, primarily used for urinating and solitary amusement. Larger than a schmeckel. Similar to a schmuck. A common term for male in-laws. Schmuck: Yet another term for the male member, most often used to describe a man with an attitude of arrogant stupidity. Nice logic there, if you think about it. A common term for former male in-laws and business partners. Goyim: People who are Gentile. A polite term for anyone who doesn't love a good bargain or has extra skin on his schmeckel. Tattalah: An endearing term of love which means "little man". An emasculating term for women to call men, if you think about it. But who has time to think? Gefilte Fish: A tasty mix of congealed fish parts and transparent slime jelly. The only food it is permissible for Jewish children to refuse. In some families, they may even be allowed to gag, but politely. Chaleria: A derogatory term which best refers to a female business associate or a mother-in-law. The closest English equivalent is "bitch." Koorveh: A call-girl, or prostitute. A reference to the Russian Czar's wife at the turn of the 20th Century, and to that flashy shiksa your nephew married. Also known as Nafkeh. Schmendrick: A man who messes things up, always loses and feels miserable. An unfortunate bumhole. Closely related to Schlemazel and Schlemiell. Every Jewish family has at least one, often named Irving. Schlemiell: A jerk who can't do anything right. In simple terms, someone who's always spilling his soup. Schlemazel: The poor dumb putz a Schlemiell is always spilling soup on. Schmeckel: A guy with a small putz. A nothing. Usually your ex-partner or ex-son-in-law. Tsuris: A word referring to all problems, trouble, grief, aggravation and heartache. Examples: daughter pregnant with child of an unemployed Catholic bartender; adult son loses job and moves back home. Major Tsuris: Daughter and baby "Bridget" move back home too. Kin-a-hora: A gleeful rejoice used when Jewish parents find out their daughter is going to marry the Jewish surgeon rather than that poor, unemployed goyishe laborer.
Seems a hell of a lot of Jewish terms are derogatory to men! Glad I am not a Jewish man. I like my bits intact! (Looks down happily!)
