btw... I can stop saying "then what happened" but then you won't know what happened, then. :0 terrible situation.
yes its friday again: Premature A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem. In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself". One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board. After a few minutes ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Just great, bumhole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"
..and then what happened, lol. Andy excellent as always. Been reading faithfully for a long time but now I've decided to get my feet wet so here goes. Hopefully they weren't posted before. Legal Despute A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense........... Deputy says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign " Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, thats the law. License and registration, please!" Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket." Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Spelling checker Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rarely ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect in it's weigh My chequer tolled me sew.
HARD BEING A FATHER One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full. "Here's the problem," the doctor said. "He needs a change." The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"
@ Jamzbond : with a little practice you could be a 1st rate comedian.................................hahaha
...suddenly I see the sun come out and I'm all warm and fuzzy . Seriously though, coming from you that's a great compliment. Thx Andy and cheers.
The Peanut ....... One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Breaking up A soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
Politically Correct Statements Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive." Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps." You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time." You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome." No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced." You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective." You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal." It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information." AND FOR STUDENTS... The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged." No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired." You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed." These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined." Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive." Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience." You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness." You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear." You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations." You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
This might be old, but just in case that not Everybody knows what Anybody should know about Somebody and Nobody: It is about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
