GrandpaBW: its friday funnies

i like the puppy ireland

 

Three daughters


There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all right.

One night when he was doing his stroll, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest daughter's room.

He stood there for a while and thought about this, but reached the conclusion that he could always ask her tomorrow, instead of bothering her at this time of the night.

When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying.

He thought about this too, but ultimately he decided to ask her tomorrow and continued.

There were no sounds at all coming from his oldest daughter's room, and he then went to bed, satisfied.

The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table, he said to his youngest daughter "I heard you laughing last night, as I walked past your window. Why was that?"

She answered "That's because you taught me to laugh when someone was making me happy..."

He then asked his second daughter "I heard you crying last night, why was that?"

She answered "That's because you taught me to cry when someone was making me hurt..."

He then told his oldest daughter "I didn't hear anything from you..."

She said "That's because you taught me not to talk with my mouth full..."

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Old lover


At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action".

Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it, Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"

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Falling from balcony


A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.

While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.

"Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

 

Here are some pics..........enjoy










Check my profile for full size.....
edited by ddp

 

here are some things to watch and look at...

http://funnyjunk.com/pages/icon.htm

http://www.2flashgames.com/viewlink.php?url=http://www.lookatentertainment.com/v/v-1190.htm&id=1631

http://www.2flashgames.com/viewlink.php?url=http://www.lookatentertainment.com/v/v-1238.htm&id=1655

 

that was priceless

 

Mom, I'm gay


A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.

He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you, I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay... doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

 

that was freaking awesome andmerr, a good laugh

 

@ LOCOENG - Knock it off man you are breeaaking my back!

hUmOr

 

hey regor wheres the pics

 

i just don't get it andmerr... the pics are there. the pics are there.

this is queer. I don't know just how to troubleshoot.

 

ok this is what we are seeing at the moment

 

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT
PERSON FOR THE JOB?

Put about 100 bricks in some
particular order in a closed
room with an
open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in
the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back
after 6 hours and then analyze
the situation.

If they are counting the
bricks.
Put them in the accounts
department.

If they are recounting them..
Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the
whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the
bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the
bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.

If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks
into pieces.
Put them in information
technology.

If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried
different combinations, yet
not a brick has
been moved. Put them in sales.

If they have already left for
the day.
Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the
window.
Put them on strategic
planning.

And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each
other and not a single brick
has been
moved.

Congratulate them and put them
in top management.

 

Shopping for wives


Rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives.

The Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?"

He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring."

The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?"

The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy."

The Poor man says, "O.K. That works."

The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?"

The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."

The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?"

The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself!"

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Obscene caller


Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."

"Listen Honey," drawled the lady, "If you can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."

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What is the difference between a sewing machine and a lady jogging?

A sewing machine only has one bobbin.


#####################################################################

Hi Roger


Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball.

One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.

The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?"

His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.

"No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."

They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?"

His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?"

His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.

Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.

At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!"

 

@regor
use imageshack instead of photobucket, maybe that will fix it.

 

Toast


Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet.

So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor.

After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."

The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.

"Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast."

"I know," said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."

Submitted by Calamjo



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Obsessions


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

Submitted by Calamjo

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Tax Return


There was a man who computed his taxes for 2005 & found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 2005 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).

This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers."




another friday come and gone

 

mwahahah....aw creaky, we love ya