A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir," says the bartender. "That'll be one cent." "One penny?!" exclaims the guy. "That’s right." So the guy glances at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a salad?""Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "That’ll be four cents." "Four cents?" says the guy. "Jeez, I’d like to meet the guy who owns this place!" "He’s upstairs with my wife," says the bartender. "What's he doing with your wife?" asks the guy. "Same as what I'm doing to his business." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10! o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!" http://pictureserver.funnyjunk.com/pics2/army_baby.jpg http://pictureserver.funnyjunk.com/pics2/shut_up.gif http://pictureserver.funnyjunk.com/pics2/beerfreeze.jpg ALright im done, but there are so many good pictures on funny junk that i cloud post pages and pages of pix. you should deffinately go to funny junk to look at their pix.
April Fools' Day - Got Milk? If your milk comes in a cardboard container, add a few drops of food coloring. It's harmless April Fool's joke but the results are pretty colorful. April Fools' Day - What's That in Your Apple? For a fruity April Fool's practical joke, get a few gummy worms and carefully poke them into fresh fruit, particularly apples. Give mom or dad a wormy apple for lunch and leave a few apples on the table for friends and family members to snack on. April Fools' Day - Spare Change This April Fool's practical joke is old but it still works. Superglue some coins to the sidewalk or any spot that has a lot of people walking around. Make sure it's an appropriate place, then watch people break fingernails to get the coins. April Fools' Day - One Sick Joke Fill a hot water bottle with blended leftovers or even pea soup. Keep the bottle hidden under your shirt near your chest and make a trip to the cafeteria. Your friends need to be in on this prank. When the cafeteria is full, make a loud noise to attract attention, bend over the table and squeeze the bottle. Your sludge should spew out all over the table like you've just thrown up. Get a balloon and put it on the tailpipe of a truck, ferrari, etc. (Make sure the car isn't already on!) Then get in it and have your parents start it up and it will pop. It will sound like the tire popped. Grab a bunch of alarm clocks, set them to alarm at very early times in the morning and hide them all around different places at your victims room! This is one of THE best tricks I know! First you put Saran Wrap or any other clear plastic wrap over the toilet, between the bowl and the seat. Do this at night so it is harder to see. Then when someone goes to the bathroom, SURPRISE! Oh, and a scream. I don't recommend this because I got grounded for 3 months when I tried it. It's funny, and messy, so if you don't take my advice and do it anyway, be ready to clean up the mess! EWW!!!
A dinner conversation that went wrong.... WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again. WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)." HUSBAND: (makes audible groan). WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers? HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?" HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: - - - silence - - - HUSBAND: "Shit." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Guitly Dreaming : Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts: "Up!! Quick! My husband is back. Her Husband gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts his butt, and then realizes: "Damn, I'm the husband!" Who is guilty in this situation? ---------------------------------------------------------------------
Heroism in the Mental Hospital Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Here We Are... A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore". Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Heroism and Devotion A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns but he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he is in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in prison, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you" To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay and found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."
The Dial A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The dial" where a small dial is planted on the back of the head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a facelift. Of course, the woman wanted "The dial," had the surgery and all was well. Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon. "All these years everything had been working just fine," she started, "I've had to turn the dial on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But I seemed to have developed two annoying problems with my face." "Go on" the doctor said. "First of all," she continued, "I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the dial won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her and said, "I'm afraid those aren't bags, those are your breasts." "Ah," she replied, "I guess that explains the goatee...
Hotel bill A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't t use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter? Peter: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Senior Moment; It could happen to us one day As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "its not just one car Its hundreds of them!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Abundance of choices can be overwhelming sometimes. Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, Wine,... , or Coffee?" Answer: "tea please" Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?" Answer : "Ceylon tea " Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?" Answer: "white" Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?" Answer: "With milk " Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk" Answer: "With cow milk please. Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?" Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. " Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?" Answer: "With sugar" Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?" Answer: "Cane sugar " Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?" Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead." Question: "Mineral water or still water ? " Answer: "Mineral water" Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?" Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst
True Story True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. "The moral of this story is:" "Always keep your condoms in your car."
My wife left me....And I don't understand why After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12 -pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping, the receipt included $45 for makeup. I said, " Wait a minute, I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!!" She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you." I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!" I don't think she'll be back. I guess "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder"!
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods that can be found today being sold in stores nationwide: 1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (But..., that's the only time I have to work on my hair) 2. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how. . . ?) 3. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." (But it's "just" a suggestion) 4. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." (Oops, too late!) 5. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (Hmm . . . .) 6. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save even more time?) 7. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those forklifts.) 8. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope) 9. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to underwater?) 10. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.) 11. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts." (NEWS FLASH) 12. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.) 13. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? . . . Good grief!) 14. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: "Do not use on food." (Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK, honey, just grab the Palmolive
[quote}i deleted all my pix's in the shout box..getting ready for a stage, right...... [/quote] well can you post the pic of the transformer/kitty elsewhere then, Ireland, or provide an alternate link? Ya thanks. R
