Mental asylum During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criterion which defines a patient to be institutionalised. "Well" said the Director "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him/her to empty the bathtub". OK, here's your test: 1. Would you use the teaspoon? 2. Would you use the teacup? 3. Would you use the bucket? "Oh, I understand" said the visitor "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or teacup". "No" said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug! Do you want a room with or without a view?"
Some more enlightening observations from Douglas Adams (Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy): Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so The impossible often has a kind of integrity which the merely improbable lacks. I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty! There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months' consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favour of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working. Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast. It is a rare mind indeed that can render the hitherto non-existent blindingly obvious. The cry 'I could have thought of that' is a very popular and misleading one, for the fact is that they didn't, and a very significant and revealing fact it is too. Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair. A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands.
[bold]well another friday and another easter, happy easter to one and all[/bold] andmerr Great inventions Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven." So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man." So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?" Adam says, "Yes." "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: 1) There is too much front end protusion 2) It chatters at high speeds 3) The rear end wobbles too much 4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust." "Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "hold on". So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours." ##################################################################### I'm sorry Ma'am A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the desk clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him, and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know that you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436." ##################################################################### Pregnant lady A lady around seven months pregnant got on a street car and sat down. She noticed the man opposite her smiling. Feeling humiliated, she promptly changed her seat. This time, his smile turned to a grin. She changed her seat again. He seemed still more amused. When on the fourth change he burst out laughing, she could not bear it any longer. She complained to the conductor, who had the man arrested. When the date came up in court the judge asked the man if he had anything to say. "Your honor, it was like this," he said. "When the lady came in, I could not help but notice her condition." "She sat under a sign that read, 'Gold Dust Twins coming.' I had to smile to myself". "Then she moved under an ad that said, 'Use Sloan's Linament to reduce that swelling.'" "When she placed herself under 'William's Stick Did It,' I couldn't hold myself." "The fourth time she sat below, 'Goodyear Rubber would have prevented this accident,' and I laughed out loud!" "Dismissed," said the judge.
[bold]Elevator Joke[/bold] An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is. While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady went up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady passed between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
Rofl, "Leprechan sited in Mobile, Alabama" Original: http://youtube.com/watch?v=nda_OSWeyn8 Remix: http://youtube.com/watch?v=bZfyrIPw3wY Watch both, roflmao.
Randy the rooster This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem." Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk... "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle. Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy in the middle of the yard looking like he is dead from exhaustion. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's, "Shhh. They're getting closer..."
Complete coverage Two men are in a doctor's office. Each of them are to get a vasectomy...the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done." A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him. Shocked as he was, he asks "Why are you doing that?" To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure." The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task. After she is through, she proceeds to the next man.. She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex. The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blow job?" The nurse simply replies, "Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.
Man my life sucks A cucumber, pickle and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked. The cucumber said, "Man my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad." So the pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar." The penis glared at both of them and said, " You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone puts a rubber tarp over my head, sticks me in a dark room, and bangs my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out.
