Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the petrol pumps, and one of them said to it, "Greetings, earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the petrol pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Earthling, how dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you mustn't anger him!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But how did you know he was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during all my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't mess with him!"
A seeker has heard that the wisest guru in all of India lives atop India's highest mountain. So the seeker treks over hill and Delhi until he reaches the fabled mountain. It's incredibly steep, and more than once he slips and falls. By the time he reaches the top, he is full of cuts and bruises, but there is the guru, sitting cross-legged in front of his cave. "O, wise guru," the seeker says, "I have come to ask you what the secret of life is." "Ah, yes, the secret of life," the guru says. "The secret of life is a teacup." "A teacup? I came all the way up here to find the meaning of life, and you tell me it's a teacup!" The guru shrugs. "So maybe it isn't a teacup."
Hello regor....someone must have gotten their GPS fixed. She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in; She turned and said, You've got to make love to me this very moment." His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
SMART ASS ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied' ________________________________________________ SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.' ________________________________________________ SMART ASS ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.' ________________________________________________ SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. ________________________________________________ SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.' ________________________________________________ SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 -- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.' ________________________________________________ Two bonus extras: A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?' The clerk says, 'What denomination?' The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.' ________________________________________________ A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' He never heard the shot....
or an iPhone for my birthday. It has a crude GPS built in - you has to know where you are - but if you unlock the iPhone there is a GPS applet that works pretty well using cell towers and wireless hotspots; and it's free. hi back LOCOENG, et al.
If a fat man grabs u and stuffs u in a bag...DONT WORRY!!! i asked santa for a c*cks*cker for christmas
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's out stretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
[bold]Cussing In Church[/bold] A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" " I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" „There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. " "I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
Grandpa (not BW...at least, i don't think so ;D) and Grandson get up early one Saturday morning to go fishing. Grandma packs them both a sack lunch as only a Grandma can pack one, and the boys head off. Sitting in the middle of the river in their boat, Grandpa opens his cooler and pulls out a beer. Grandson says "Grandpa, can i have some of your beer?" "Well now," Grandpa says, "That depends. Is your dick long enough to touch your bumhole?" "Umm...No." Grandson says. "Then you can't have any beer." Grandpa states, and drinks his beer. Half an hour later Grandpa gets a bite on his line and begins reeling it in. Grandson says..."Grandpa! Can i real it in?" Without missing a beat Grandpa says "Is your dick long enough to touch your bumhole?" Grandson says, "No." And hangs his head. Time goes by and Grandson is fishing, waiting on his big catch, Grandpa is drinking beer and doing the same. Finally, they decide to break for lunch. Grandpa pulls his sack lunch out and begins to eat his sandwich, as he upacks what Grandma put together for him. Other than the sandwich, all he had was an apple. Grandson pulls his sack lunch out and begins to look through what Grandma packed him. A sandwich, some potato chips, an apple, and some cookies. Grandpas eyes locked on the cookie bag as he leaned in close to the Grandson. "Hey," Grandpa said. "You think i could have one of those cookies?" Grandson looked up at Grandpa and said, "Is your dick long enough to touch your bumhole?" Grandpa chuckled, a little surprised by the question, but answered. "Why yes it is." Grandson smiled back as he said, "Then go #*ck yourself 'cause you're not getting my cookies!"
Definition of a nervous break down, a man has a house payment, a truck payment, a wife, a girlfriend, and they r all a month late
One day there were three men hunting in the jungle. They got captured by cannibals. They told the men to follow their instructions carefully, or they'd be killed and eaten. The men, of course, agreed. They told them to go into the forest and bring back ten pieces of the same fruit. So the men went. The first guy came back with ten apples. They told him to stick all ten of them up his behind without any expression on his face, and he'd be let free. He tried, but after the third one he screamed out in pain. So they killed and ate him. The second guy came back with some small berries. They told him to do the same thing, so he tried. He got all the way to eight.... then he started laughing! So they killed and ate him too. Later, the first guy met the second guy in heaven. He asked him "Why did you laugh, you were so close!" The second guy replied "I laughed because I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples!"
* Q:Whats the best thing about alzheimers disease? A: You meet new people everyday! Q: Did you hear about the blind gynocologist? A: He was a lip reader! **A blind man and a pilot were flying around the country. The pilot has a heart attack and dies. The blind man radios to the station and screams to the person on the other line...Ï am blind, the pilot just died and we are flying upside down....what do i do?" The man replies.."how do you know you are upside down if you are blind?" he replied.."because i shit my pants and its running up my neck! Q: How can you tell an efficient nurse? A: Shes the one that can make a patient without disturbing the bed!
[bold]Misbehaving[/bold] One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the appalling behaviour that was going on. So he called one of his angels to go to earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time,too. When the angel returned he went to God And said, "Yes, it's true.. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good." God was not pleased. So he decided to email the 5%, who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the email said? .. .. No? Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either.
[bold]The Missing Husband[/bold] Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him
'My point exactly.' An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. 'So what do you think about that Doc ?' The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.' One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.' 'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.' 'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said , 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.' The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'
