GrandpaBW: its friday funnies

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."

 

Three women, one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about
their relationships and decide to amaze their men....

That night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask
over their eyes...

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home,
he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the
woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'"

The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was
wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all
night."

The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my
mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and
mask over my eyes . My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a
beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'"

 

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO.
SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME."
SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN. OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO."
THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT, SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN.
SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE. "
THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, "I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE." SHE SAT BACK DOWN.
FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE IN THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC. SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, "THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN."
BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD > CAME OUT. IT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND." NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE", BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.
ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE! I HAVE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.
SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO."

 

Subject: making a baby
>
>
>
>The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a >surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father >was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, >I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
>
>Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer >happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, >Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
>
>'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been >expecting you.'
>
>'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did >you know babies are my specialty?'
>
>'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
>
>After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
>
>'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on >the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living >room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
>
>'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
>
>'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if >we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven >angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
>
>'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
>
>'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to >be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
>
>'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
>
>The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of >his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
>
>'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
>
>'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider >their mother was so difficult to work with.'
>
>'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
>
>'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get >the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep >to get a good look'
>
>'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
>
>'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, >too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could >hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my >shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I >just had to pack it all in.'
>
>Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on >your, uh...equipment?'
>
>'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my >tripod and we can get to work right away.'
>
>'Tripod?'
>
>'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's >much too big to be held in the hand for very long.'
>Mrs. Smith fainted.....

 

O lny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rgh it pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

i had to do this one, it reminds me of alot of the post i read around here.

 

Silent Fart
An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through, she leaned over and whispered

to her husband, 'I just let out a long silent fart.

What do you think I should do?'

He replied, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

 

Wal-Mart has no sense of humor.

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. You might also want to reconsider if you really want to retire with your husband. After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart:


Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least ....

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'


Yours very truly,
Management of Wal-Mart

 

FIRST DATE PROBLEMS

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

 

The Talking Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .That phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

And exclaimed,

'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'





Dogs

> Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
> up
> a conversation.
>
> The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"
>
> The chocolate Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything... the
> sofa,
> the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I
> pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
>
> The black Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
>
> "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They
> reckon
> it'll calm me down."
>
> The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
>
> The yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
> trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
> carpets.
> But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
> owner's couch."
>
> "So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquired.
>
> "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected yellow Lab said.
>
> The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
>
> "I'm a humper," the black Lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
> cat,
> a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I
> see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was
> bending
> down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her
> back
> and started hammering away".
>
> The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts
> off
> for you too, huh?"
>
> The black Lab said...."No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

 

1919 poster

If you were around in 1919 (just before prohibition started) and came

upon the following poster.........



I mean, seriously, would you really quit drinking?lol

 

The Genie

Three men, a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each on you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Texan sits down, cracks open a beer, smiles, and says, 'Fill it with water.'

 

From an e-mail that I got today:

[bold]TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY[/bold]

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. ! Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You to Do Something, ask If they want fries with that.

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their caffeine addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.

9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk ! And see how many looks you get.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity .
Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

'Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile.'

 

SUBJECT: Men Never Listen

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get
into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said '
You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the
buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as
he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a
red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?


He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed
gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warmwater, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder
puff caressed his bottom adding afragile scent of spring flower to
this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a
restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder
puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR
button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing
he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse
was staring down at him.

'What happened?' he exclaimed.
The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

'The
button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under
your pillow.'

MEN NEVER LISTEN

 

Did you say something Antoinette LOL!

 

Ever happen to you Noel or sorry can you hear melol

 

D*amned if I know. LOL.