ok one more.... An eight-year-old boy walks home from school each day past an eight-year-old girl’s house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can’t resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, “See this football? Football is a boy’s game, and only boys can have a football!” The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, “I want a football!” Being a woman of the 90’s, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike. She holds up the football and taunts, “Nah Na Nah Nah.” The little boy angrily points to his bike and says “Oh yeah, well this is a boy’s bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can’t have one!” She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike. The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says “Look, only boys have these and your mom can’t buy you one!!!” The next day he walks by and asks her, “Well, I guess I showed you!” to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims “My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!”
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some mj jokes whats the difference between michal jackson and a shopping bag? ones plastic and bad for your kids the other you put grocerys in. what did the lady on the beach say to michal jackson? "hey your in my way get out of my son". what do michal jackson and k-mart have in common? little boys underwhere half-off.
A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun. All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?" The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth. A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says. He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away. A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him. "Mr.", she says, "Have you ever been Fucked?" "No", he says with a hopeful grin. "Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend any time they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she now became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was even more awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents
Actually what happened next is the mother and father got a divorce. Once the mother saw the picture, she finally found out what 7 inches really looked like and was lied to all those years by Dad!
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what she does with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make upand buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the biggest tits. Men are men! --------------------------------------- Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance." God smiled, "There is another Washington... wait until you see the idiots I put there."
Sex Lecture The dean of women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, with the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
[bold]Only in Britain[/bold] Can a Pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Do supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the store for their prescriptions, whereas healthy people just have to goto the front of the store to purchase cigarettes. Do people order a double cheeseburger, large fries and a DIET COKE. Do banks leave both doors open whilst chaining the pens to the desks. Do we leave expensive cars on our driveways, whislt locking worthless crap away in the garage. There are disabled parking spaces at the front of an Ice skating rink. [bold]Then there are[/bold] 3 Brits each year die testing a 9v battery on their tongues. 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing the pins from new shirts. 58 Brits each year are injured by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas trees while the fairy lights were still plugged in. 19 Brits have died in 3 years by thinking their Christmas decorations were made of chocolate. 4 Brits went to hospitals last year with broken arms after cracker pulling accidents. 101 Brits since 1999 have had plastic toy parts removed from the soles of their feet. 18 Brits suffered serious burns in the year 2000 whilst trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouths. 543 Brits were admitted to A+E in the last 2 years for opening their beer bottles with their teeth. 8 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control scalectrix cars. I think that sums up us Brits quite well, have a good weekend all.
Heres a good one. What do women and muscles (from the ocean)have in common??? You can,t eat them during the red tide.
[bold]OLD MEN AREN'T SLOW[/bold] An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years.One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been down there in a while and look it over.He grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.As he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.As he came closer he saw a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond.He made them aware of his presence and they settled them selves down the deep end of the pond.One of the women yelled 'we are not coming out till you leave!!!'.The old man frowned,'I didnt come down here to watch you swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said," i'm here to feed the aligator" [bold]MORAL[/bold] Old men can still think fast
Ah, yes spot on as always andmerr....................LOL @solargame What is a red tide? Is it similar to 'rag week' and the 'strawberry smile'?
no way! I thought red tide was why my white tee-shirts are always coming out of the laundry pink. Is somebody lying to me? Could it be that my tee-shirst are being used as rags? I never knew our washing machine had a menstrual cycle... we should have bleached and rinsed twice!
